Russ Finkelstein has a great piece this week on how our fears can drive our career decisions and put or keep us on paths where we don’t want to walk. He writes about three instances from his career where he made decisions based on fear rather than what he actually wanted or thought was best. And he talks very practically about what he could have done differently.
Reading Russ’s article made me reflect on the last post that I wrote for my blog, where I talk about how growing up gay in an anti-LGBTQ environment can create challenges years later in the workplace (I was mostly writing about gay men, but I think the phenomenon exists in the larger LGBTQ community).
Russ made me realize that I was writing about fear, yet I didn’t name that fact head on in the piece (I sometimes struggle naming feelings, which I’m sure my therapist or partners can confirm).
I’m glad Russ helped me simplify my thinking, allowing me to see–and now say–plainly that fear shows up for many people in the workplace in ways big and small. In my case last week, I was writing about how some of us fear rejection and then change our behaviors to prove ourselves essential. And how often those changes are not for the good (e.g., we can become know-it-alls or people pleasers).
First hand, I let fear drive a couple of big decisions, which shaped my career in pretty profound ways.
One example: Early in my career, I took a job that I didn’t really want because it would nearly double my salary. The job I already had allowed me to pay my bills and live a pretty good life in DC, and I mostly liked the work. But I was raised by parents who had a lot of their own financial insecurities, and we did actually struggle at times.
So–as the saying kind of goes–if you plant potatoes, you get potatoes. I was convinced I had to take this job, simply to make more money and do so NOW. It was an irrational decision, which I didn’t know at the time. Those fearful feelings of scarcity were real, and I hadn’t yet done the work needed to figure out that they came from the past, not the present.
I’m guessing I’m not alone in that experience, and that some of you have made similar decisions at critical career choice points.
But fear shows up in smaller ways, too. I’ve often seen people let their fears determine how they manage people and do their job. One former colleague was determined to make sure her boss and her direct reports all liked her. So she never spoke up when her boss wasn’t being clear about a project and their respective roles and responsibilities. Likewise, she rarely gave her direct reports any negative feedback, fearing that they’d be angry with her and ultimately not like her.
Beyond her commitment to the organization’s mission, this person was largely driven by a desire for acceptance and an illusive sense of calm and stability.
And, of course, most of us want to be accepted and liked. As I talked about last week, being part of a community of people–whether a family, friend group, or coworkers–is a need that is hardwired in our brains. We fear rejection because at one time in human history being rejected almost always meant we were defenseless and vulnerable to some type of harm. (And that certainly still holds true at times today, whether early or late in life, or when we’re otherwise vulnerable.)
The irony was that the less my former colleague was honest with people, the less they respected and liked her. Her performance hindered the work of others and the organization itself, which did not bode well for her tenure. She lost her coworker group because of her fears.
I can think of many more examples where I’ve let fear–or where I’ve seen others let fear–drive career and work decisions in ways big and small.
How to fix this tendency?
First, if anything here resonates, commit to simply remembering it the next time you have a big decision to make or you’re wrestling with a persistent management challenge at work. In those moments, ask yourself how much fear is driving your thinking or behavior. Starting this habit is one way to disrupt the hamster wheel spinning in our heads and create some space to acknowledge your fear, think about where it might be coming from, and assess how real it is in the present moment.
Another excellent step? Discussing your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, colleague, or mentor. Sometimes the fearful voice in our heads is right and should be followed. In my experience it's much easier to figure that out if I talk about it with someone rather than just ruminate alone.
A professional coach could also be helpful, especially if you want some regular support to change how you’re thinking and acting long-term.
Finally, if fear is a persistent feeling for you and you don’t know why, consider seeking therapy to get to the root of the issue. It can put you on a path to a very different way of living, and thriving.
Be well, and more soon!
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